Life is Stretching

On a call with a friend recently, she mentioned how someone in her life was being stretched in a new job scenario.  In that moment, I couldn't help but think, “Life is stretching.”  The experience of stretching and re-stretching is the basis of what it is to be human, to move forward, to grow, to be in relationship, and to learn something new about the world, others, and ourselves.  Stretching requires us to become more than we knew we were before, to align with a part of ourselves we may never have known existed if not for the stretch.  In fact, I spent quite some time thinking on this after that call.  I wondered, as I shared last time, if this is one of those pieces of the wisdom I get to gain through a difficult season.

 After all, if not for the stretch, would I ever know what I was truly capable of in my lifetime?  Would you?  If not for being pushed beyond our current abilities, ways of living, perceiving, and believing, what would we miss?  Would we be comfortable and content if nothing ever changed, if we never changed?

 While I've wrestled and wrestled this season, as I contemplated my life apart from the stretch, I found myself deeply appreciating the challenges I've been facing.  There's a certain measure of acceptance I've cultivated in not knowing what I don't know.  There's a greater embrace of knowing what I do know.  And, there's a contentment growing in me about both that's allowing me to sit in the silence, in the lack of clarity, and frankly, in the dark, without the panic or anxiety taking me under in the empty space.

 What if one of the greatest gifts in this life is being stretched?  And, what if we could cling to hope during times of great stretching because we simply couldn't wait to see what we were made up of as the process unfolded?  Food for thought for me, and maybe for you, too, today.

Grow in Wisdom

In my practice of faith, I recently came across a request that also seems like a declaration in the Book of Psalms.  In it, the author writes, “Teach us to know the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.”  This past season has been a particularly hard section of my life.  As I've held on throughout the challenge of it, I'm recognizing how valuable it is to know the brevity of life.  In dark times, we naturally long for lovelier times.  For me, I've desperately wanted my circumstances to change.  Yet, I've discovered that if they changed or even if they didn't, what was coming up from inside of me would still remain if I refused to deal with it.

 When I consider the brevity of life in the midst of hardship, I have been finding perspective.  That perspective includes how my current state of feeling rather empty is creating space for something.  I don't really know what that something is at the moment, but this process of being emptied of things I was holding onto (plans, beliefs about how circumstances would unfold, expectations of myself, and more), has allowed me to witness ways of being and beliefs I've been carrying that are out of alignment with truth.  It's like cleaning house and getting into the corners of the rooms and closets to discover what has grown in the absence of my attention.

 I'm finding that as I gain understanding here, wisdom has room to offer me a much greater perspective about how I spend my days, what and whom I invest in and why, and what matters and what doesn't.  The last bit can be particularly confusing because I think our circles and our culture speak to us a lot about what “should” matter to us.  Yet, I often find the advice or those “shoulds” to be quite backward, though I still wrestle with them of course.

 Enduring ongoing hardship is not my idea of a good time but I'm truly curious how life will unfold from here as I sit in this empty space.  I sure need to grow in wisdom.  I'm also grateful for what I'm gaining in better knowing the brevity of my life.  It's helping me to stay the course.  Maybe it will help you, too.

Worst-Case Scenario

One of my favorite life hacks is allowing myself to go all the way to the worst-case scenario.  I find it especially helpful when I'm facing the experience of panic, anxiety, or another crippling form of fear.  Going deeper into the fear can feel counterintuitive, but when I do this, time and again, it enables me to discover what's at the root of my experience.  I get to see what I'm really, really afraid of and address myself with understanding.  Inevitably, it leads me into some form of recovery and a place of fresh perspective.

 Now, does this decision always bring resolution to my situation?  Absolutely not.  But when I practice this, I'm better able to adapt my thoughts, feelings, and actions in a new direction because I see the “why” behind my fear.  Then, I can either invite comfort and support from those who love me or grow softer in compassion so I can offer it to myself (or both!).  

 My old practice was to attempt to level-down the anxiety or panic in a way that ultimately lead me to avoid it which, in turn, caused it to increase exponentially.  I'd try to sugar my way out of it, spend time with people, spend time alone, sleep too much, work too much, eat too much, walk it out, binge-tv-watch it out.  Over time, I found these unhelpful strategies left me in a harder spot.  Do you have a favorite avoidance strategy?

 Truth be told, there are days when I still find myself doing these things.  It's like I go on auto-pilot and when I realize it, I have to practice something new.  I have to work at creating a new pathway in my brain for dealing with hard stuff.  So I investigate by asking, “What are you avoiding right now?”  or “What are you afraid of right now?” or perhaps more bluntly, “What's up with you right now?”  When I notice, when I ask, I typically go deep into panic or anxiety.  It's more than unpleasant.  It's exhausting.  It's scary.  I wonder if I'll be able to come out the other side.  Still at the end of the day, I'm finding how I'm moving forward through hard things as I go into the worst-case scenario.

Maybe it'll help you, too.

Releasing Control

Years ago when I moved to Orlando, I thought I was here for a short 10-month stint.  I vividly remember an invitation that was extended to me that season which was simply:  Would I choose to “do life differently” during the upcoming months?  The stage was set to help me succeed, complete with a simplified work schedule, a pre-furnished apartment, a Disney pass (that was quite a fun perk), and a built-in mentorship program.

I remember making an additional adjustment to really express my buy-in to “differently” … namely, I decided I wouldn't sort and organize the silverware by type when I loaded the dishwasher for the full 10-months I was in Orlando, (nor would I reorganize it if someone else didn't sort or organize it).  It might sound silly, but I recognized how releasing even a bit more control in a season already brimming with change could be good for me as a human being.  For so long, I grasped for control in chaos, stability in the face of uncertainty, and I knew what I really needed was to release even more control to make it to the other side of what I was facing for real.

 I shared my decision with my peers in the program (they gave me the mic that day expecting me to say something - ha).  Many laughed.  My roommates at the time felt horrified (like, “how can we measure up to her standards?” since I had plans for things like how silverware is loaded in a dishwasher).  We recovered.  Still others came up to me and loved the idea and implemented it in their lives that year (it is a great system in case you wondered – I hate unloading silverware to this day and it makes it bearable for me).  

 Overall, it was a great decision.  I didn't know how much I needed to do that little piece of my life differently.  It mattered.  It created an opening for consideration and reflection and change around “why do I do what I do?” … 

 It's important to say that not everything has to be that deep but sometimes it is.  Transition has this amazing way of decluttering the noise in our lives so we can see what we're doing and why we're doing it.  Then sometimes, after we loosen our grip to get a grip on reality and gain some perspective, we might just be able to go back to doing some of the same things but this time, with clean hearts and motives and it somehow becomes even more wonderful than it ever was before.  

 Transition isn't for the faint of heart, though. But maybe the invitation to release even more in the midst of change is the very decision that leads to a better life on the other side.  I've found that to be true.  I'm curious, have you?

The Right Fit

Have you ever spent time putting together a puzzle?  If so, how would you describe your experience?  Would you say the process is frustrating, fun, and/or fulfilling for you?  Why is that?   

I'm someone who tends to like puzzles.  There's something about bringing order from chaos and specifically, the satisfaction of locating a puzzle piece that perfectly fits with another, bringing the picture into clearer view, that offers me a sense of completion, relief, and I'd even say joy.  

Sometimes, I wish life was more like an actual puzzle.  I see myself longing to gain the clarity that comes from finding the exactly-right-next piece.  But in my experience, life isn't really that clear-cut.  In the land of being human, there are often multiple options that can create a wonderful future outcome.  The “right” fit might simply be the best next step.  And, often that's been the case for me.  I've had to learn how I overcomplicate, overanalyze, and stress myself out in the process of change when I look for the “right” answer.

Now don't get me wrong.  There are certainly times when we face a fork in the road type of decision.  In those cases, weighing our options more heavily, inviting input and wisdom, and having a willingness to make a slower decision can help us make a good choice since the consequences (positive and/or negative) of that decision can have a lasting impact in our lives.

But sometimes, we need to move.  Sometimes, we need to risk.  Sometimes, we need to allow ourselves the freedom to make an imperfect decision and trust that we have the ability to make a different choice later, as needed.  We do the best with what we have at the time and go from there.

If your experience is anything like mine, I imagine you've made many a leap without knowing what the picture looked like, and in the end, it was altogether right for you.  I've been reminded again recently that life goes fast.  I've stepped into more change in the past 25 years than I could have ever imagined and I've grown, gained, lost, and learned in and through the transitions.  I can honestly say, I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

Why is that?  Well, because what I didn't know, I now know.  What I was afraid to lose, I lived through and became more connected, vulnerable, and stronger through the loss.  What I thought I wanted to gain, I often found empty when I gained it.  Instead, I celebrate the wisdom and experience gained through those experiences that have profoundly impacted how I show up today.

So here's to finding the “right” fit as we step out, take chances, and do the best with what we have.  Let's celebrate the opportunities to grow and transform through life's changes.  Let's face transition as an opportunity to see what we can become as we live bravely into what's next.

When Seasons Aren't Changing

Have you ever wondered how long it'll be until your “season” changes?  Lately, I've found myself in this particular wondering more and more.  I've been asking: Is this how it will always be? Am I the one causing myself to land in this same place over and over again? 

If I'm honest, I look around the world and I hear people speak of ‘manifesting’ their destinies and in this current place of personal wondering, I can see the appeal of grasping for that kind of control or certainty over one's life.  And yet, I wonder if those same individuals still experience extended seasons when they feel lost, exhausted, empty, and broken.  Does manifesting actually resolve the really real questions?  Does manifesting guarantee we actually get what we really need in this life (as opposed to what we think we need)?  

Truth is, our beliefs and our words are powerful. Yet, there's also a lot that's outside of our control.  So, what do we do in times when we're living between seasons and can't seem to figure out how the season shifts? What do we do when the questions grow louder and louder with no answer in sight? Personally, I find the best way to refocus is to get more consistent in these three practices:

• Relationship with God - taking time to read, listen, worship, pray

• Connection - reaching out to/helping/being with people I care for

• Rest/Personal Care - watering my plants, sitting in silence, getting sunshine and exercise, getting enough sleep, eating whole foods

How have you handled/are you currently handling a season that just won't seem to quit?  I'd love to hear.  I'd be so happy to be able to encourage one another in the midst of it.  

Everything In Time

I'm not sure about you, but I've been thinking a lot about being “on time” lately.  So often, I feel behind (maybe it's the achiever in me), but I've been re-learning how it takes time to move forward.  I've wrestled with how simple it feels to help others move forward while being challenged to notice why I'm not taking the same steps for myself.  As I'm uncovering why, I'm learning the value of my time again and how my decisions can help me or harm me. I'm also learning that as I choose to grow through this, I will make progress in what matters most. And maybe, just maybe, everything will come not only in time, but right on time in the end. That thought has been comforting to me. 

What's been on your mind lately? I'd love to hear …

New Year, New You?

Tis the season to look back so we can move forward in the days ahead. But, if you’re like me, you might not be such a resolution-oriented person. When I’ve made them (rare as those instances are), I’ve been terrible at following through, so I’ve stopped making them. That said, I’ve been learning to evaluate my days and years based on my values, commitments, and frankly, what I felt like at the end of the previous year, in order to develop a sustainable plan for growth in the new year.

In all transparency, I felt exhausted at the end of last year. There were a few reasons for my state of being and as I looked deeper, I found three items that contributed in a big way …

1. The time allotted and the level of work required for some of my consulting clients was simply unbalanced. I was consistently aware of all of the items that weren’t being completed (yet still on my plate) and it was draining not being able to check things off my list while adding new things to it.

2. Related to this, I was spending a lot of my time overseeing work in areas that I’m competent in, but not gifted in and this zapped my energy.

3. I didn’t structure my time in a way that allowed me to fully focus and as a result, I was pulled in a lot of directions daily which took quite a toll on me.

And, all of this led to me spending the rest of my time more in recovery than fulfilling the commitments I’d made to myself to move a few personal and professional items forward last year.

When I think of my core values and look at this list, it’s immediately clear why I was so tired. I didn’t use my time as wisely as I could have, I felt disjointed because I lacked structure and connection, I really needed to say more ‘no’ than I said ‘yes’ in some instances, and all of this led me into a less healthy place. It’s humbling to look back and take responsibility for how I showed up and what led me to the place of exhaustion. And, it’s encouraging to do exactly that because it has been the very ‘kick in the pants’ I’ve needed to make changes.

Here’s what I came to and what I’ve begun practicing thus far …

1. The most important item to tackle was my time. My schedule was a mess! I reoriented my weeks and began by blocking full and half days that I would be available for different clients and the important work involved in building both of my companies. (The latter typically gets put on the back-burner which is very backwards!)

2. Because I reoriented to blocks of time, my focus is maintained for each client and I have been able to write out the very long list of “priorities” and determine what’s actually most important, working from there to avoid that same unbalanced experience. New things are evaluated based on the current trajectory and organized up or down that list, and I’ve already been speaking up a lot more when a new piece of work is introduced into a current process to determine if I will take it on or not.

3. When it comes to operating in my gifts v. my competencies, I’m still determining how to best approach change in this area. For the time being, I am still needing to complete projects that relate far more to my competencies and sometimes, that’s just part of it in certain seasons. But, the biggest change I’m noticing related to this is how reorienting my schedule has improved my overall energy which definitely helps me show up better in my days.

It’s not a perfect process, but it can ensure forward momentum. The truth is, if you and I make even one significant but small course correction this year, it really can result in a “New Year, New You” reality. Why is that? Because making the right adjustment can act like a domino effect. I’m just 2.5 weeks into practicing my new schedule and I’m already experiencing the profound nature of this change. I feel lighter, clearer on the boundaries around my time, more purposeful and accomplished within those blocks of time, and somehow I’m also resting, moving, and cooking more. Those additions were a part of a hope I had related to what I needed in my non-work time, but not necessarily a planned outcome and I’m so amazed that they’ve become a natural flow.

So, I ask you …

What’s working for you right now? What’s not? What worked for you last year? Do you think that’ll work again? Are you satisfied with your life on the whole right now? What makes it satisfying? What keeps you from experiencing true satisfaction? What’s draining the life out of you? What’s one small, but significant adjustment you might try to move forward?

If you’re in a place where you could use a little refresher on how your thoughts and beliefs are powerfully shaping your life or how practicing healthy boundaries could benefit you, why not enroll in one of my online courses (on your schedule and at your pace), and dive into some personal development this year? I’m regularly practicing (and practicing and practicing) what I teach and coach you through myself. I know you and I can keep moving forward, living lightly and purposefully in our days this year. If I can help in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

New Beginnings

Standing short of the first line of a crosswalk, I paused. The sunshine was bright and the weather cool enough for long pants, a rarity in Florida. I looked down just in time to catch it. From my vantage point, the thick white line appeared like a starting line. Just hours before, I’d crossed a finish line of sorts. Without warning, I was released from my duties after spending countless hours (and two and a half years) listening to, cheering on, counseling and being counseled by, equipping and being equipped by, and working in a high capacity for a, now former, mentor and friend of eight years. There are so many aspects of this story I can tell … The one about forgiveness you can find in my book, How to Be a Better Human - 12 Practices for Standing Strong in a Strung Out World. The one I’ll share today is about what this moment at the crosswalk taught me about starting fresh.

After my initial shock on my drive out of the parking lot, followed by some tears, and an attempt at a nap, I’d set out for a walk to clear my head. I was actually under the weather and had only run into the office briefly to set a couple things in order for a new employee before the unfolding of this firing, which occurred about 30 minutes after arriving there and while I was in my car, pulling out of my assigned parking space to head home to rest, no-less. Looking back, the circumstances still stop me in my tracks and teach me valuable lessons about how to treat others as I continue to move forward years after-the-fact. But though I was still so tired and feeling unwell, I couldn’t rest after these circumstances transpired and opted for a walk in place of the nap that couldn’t be had.

I remember how many things I knew I was leaving undone by taking what I thought would be a sick day that day. Have you ever had a moment or season like that? One where you have such a pile of items stacked high on a task list that you wonder how you’ll ever catch up? When a day-off seems like an impossibility because the pile, that stack, will only grow? I constantly felt behind that season. I constantly felt the pressure of not catching up, day-in and day-out. I constantly felt stressed, tired, and filled with anxiety, too. But then, in an instant, that entire pile disappeared. Like “poof” — it was gone.

My new employee, who happened to be someone I’d personally put up for the job, texted me. They had a few questions about the notes I’d left on their desk. I had no idea how to respond, so I didn’t. It was no longer my responsibility. That was odd. I wasn’t sure what to do on the personal front either. I’d wait it out a bit and see.

Then on my walk, when I encountered this “starting line”, I knew I’d been granted a new beginning. It really hit me … No longer was a single thing on my list from work a concern of mine. Not a single item. Not those text messages, not the emails, not a piece of the work left undone or waiting to be done. It was shocking and amazing at once.

The hurt was real. The pain of my friend, my mentor, treating me in such a dishonoring way so fresh and large and harmful. But I was free. No longer weighted down under all of that pressure, all that was undone, all of the expectations and challenges of the environment I’d been expelled from. It was a massive relief and grief all in one.

I don’t know if you can relate, but I’m the type of person who devotes myself to what’s in front of me. In doing so, I often put to the side other items on my own lists and those things go underground for a season (not the healthiest, FYI). In large measure, this is what I did with my coaching and consulting businesses in that season. It’s what I chose. I knew the energy I had available to me and I determined to give my utmost where I was planted. Then, that came crashing down.

So in the wake of this release, this new beginning, I looked around for a moment at that starting line. I waited on that street corner, taking in the freshness of life in the present. I took a really deep breath, then another. Everything I’d been working toward in that place had burned up that morning. All I’d been devoted to for two and a half years was gone. BUT, I was stronger and better for it. I’d gained all kinds of new skills. I’d improved in other areas I’d already practiced in. I was clearer on what I wanted to become and what I did not want to become. I carried many valuable learnings, lessons, and understandings with me that I didn’t have before that time. As I stood there, I teared up, I smiled, I felt a range of emotions, but mostly, I felt lighter. I felt like a whole new set of possibilities would open up for me, though I had no idea what would happen next. In that moment, I told myself I didn’t have to know and I stepped into the crosswalk fully, and kept going.

I’ve heard it said recently that starting over isn’t really starting over in the way we think of it … Like we’re left with nothing. No, starting over has a lot to do with starting from a place of greater experience and understanding. We start newly with more in every new beginning (whether we’ve chosen the new beginning or it was chosen for us). Perspective like this has been helpful for me as I’ve navigated new paths since that time.

In fact, since then I’ve tried more new things than I can say. I’ve attempted new endeavors and ways of operating my businesses and helping others in theirs. I’ve created and released more content and coaching tools than I thought possible in a single year. I’ve spent large sums of money on outreach that hasn’t provided the promised return on investment. I’ve grown weary, distracted, disillusioned in business and life. I’ve had the most amazing coaching appointments with clients who were ready to know their life’s purpose for real. I’ve invested time with my family to continue to understand and heal. I’ve traveled and had amazing conversations with strangers and new acquaintances alike. I’ve gotten raw in places of pain and rage with my most intimate friends, sharing things I’d never previously felt safe enough to say aloud to anyone. I’ve been finding how sometimes when your life seems to be burning down, all that’s really burning is what needs to go — those ways of being and hanging onto what cannot possibly stay or last long-term.

New beginnings are perhaps the messiest. I find myself in another new beginning now. One in which I’m calling for all of the unnecessary, unhelpful, and harmful ways of believing, thinking, behaving, grasping, striving, etc to be destroyed and burned up. I find myself only wanting what’s meant to last to, well, last. I find myself asking, “If everything that needs to go from my life went up in smoke right now, what would remain?” I wonder about it because I don’t really know what needs to stay right now, but I’m hopeful as I allow this process to unfold. I’m hopeful that this new beginning will lead me into a greater experience of actual life. I hopeful that I’m headed into a place of thriving.

On my birthday this year, I captured a list of what I’m noticing about how I’m experiencing my life differently than I used to. If I summed up all I wrote into one sentence, it might just be … I’m not afraid like I used to be. I still have fear to work through, of course. But, there’s a noticeable decline in the power fear has over me these days. I find that worth celebrating. The more I understand health as it relates to new beginnings, the more I see the correlation between my relationship with fear and how that impacts my view of starting afresh. The more I decide to stay the course in what could be viewed as “scary” new beginnings, (or perhaps now: viewing new beginnings as starting from a place of greater experience and understanding), the more convinced I become of the value of stepping into new beginnings with hope.

After all, when I stood at that crosswalk — a starting line — I found how I was freed up in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Everything was possible except going backwards. It was sad. I was angry. I was wounded. But I was also released from so much that had weighed me down. The choice I faced was whether I’d step out, cross through, and in the process learn all I had gained that would enable me to go further in my next assignments. Did I have to grieve? Yes. Did I have to work through the anger? Yes. Did I have to determine what my actual next step was? Yes. Was that scary? Yes. Was it uncertain how it would turn out? Yes. Has it turned out okay? Yes. Better than I imagined, in fact.

Still, nothing is perfect. As I’m standing on a new starting line of sorts right now, I’m reflecting back on that time because frankly, I need to remember that when everything seems to catch fire, it’s often the best gift. Let it burn. Let the new beginning come forth. Let everything that needs to die, die. Life is on the other side of the ending. Perhaps you needed to be reminded of that today, too.

Coming Into Life

Writing has become less of a love and more of a chore over the past few years. The books I’ve released haven’t felt as much like that, but the ongoing practice of sharing on a platform like this one has for whatever reason. Lately, however, I’ve been finding ideas bubbling up again. Considerations, really. And after taking an unexpected and rather extended pause on social media this past season (still on it at the moment but I might begin to wade back in- time will tell), perhaps I’ve given myself the space to allow these considerations to rise.

I find it can be challenging to say anything of substance these days that won’t be misconstrued by others. It seems we’ve come into a greater cultural agreement that it’s somehow wonderful to live offended, entitled, as victims, and in the process, we’ve reduced ourselves to powerless people who cannot somehow take personal responsibility and move forward, despite what we face or have faced. I don’t understand it. And yet, in a way, I suppose I do understand it all at once.

My own journey over the last couple of decades has been filled with getting to the roots of many personal realities that have shaped me in both healthy and unhealthy ways. The unhealthy ways I’ve dealt with rejections, betrayals, insecurities, being victimized, loss, and more have been the places of greatest personal transformation as I’ve healed by delving into why I’ve chosen certain ways of coping and operated in repentance (doing a 180 - living newly, acknowledging my part for real, seeking reconciliation, choosing a new course, then living it). It has been messy. At times, it’s still very messy. In this process, however, I’ve had to look in the mirror and into my heart time and again to see what’s really going on with me. Why am I reacting or behaving the way I am? What do I believe? Why? What am I placing my faith or my trust in? Why? So little has to do with what other people do. It’s not that I dismiss the contribution of others outright as certainly, others do cause us harm. (Just as we cause them harm.) But the truth of the matter is, what I have done with the harm caused to me is actually paramount to what happened to me at any given juncture.

The other consideration I’ve been weighing relates to not simply wanting to add fluff, empty motivational sayings or writings, and/or more noise to the already noisy online space. So many messages come at us these days. I’ve had to reframe how and what I’m consuming because I’ve felt so “over” the vacant takes on success and what really matters. So much of the self-help, self-healing, self-marketing, self-sufficiency, self-everything leaves me wondering what we’re buying into about identity, if we really believe we can heal ourselves (I have many thoughts on this) and if any of that stuff is actually leading us into or away from life.

We’re presented with so many “problems” we face (many self-created by the way; and others are problems we’re convinced, through marketing, that we have, but don’t really have, after all). Being someone who works in the arena to help others move forward, I don’t want to add to this type of posturing. I carry concern that I’ll lack integrity trying to convince others that they need what I offer (though, some of course legitimately will be helped by the tools and resources I’ve developed and I am grateful for that). I guess my bottomline is that it’s weighty for me. I don’t take this lightly and I don’t want to add to the emptiness of this racket.

So I’m here. Inviting you to come into life in a deeper way this season as I share from this place of moved-through, as in “from the other side.” I decided many years ago that I would no longer “get over” stuff. I made a choice to move through it, so I could heal for real, and then move forward. I’m going to be saying what I have to say and letting the chips fall where they may while being open to having dialogues to understand others in the process. It’s time to hang even more deeply in the really real because so many people are struggling through intense personal chaos, crisis of identity, ongoing anxieties, belief systems that are crippling them, and finding so-called freedom in success and entitlement systems that only lead more deeply into emptiness. I can’t stand watching it, hearing it, and seeing what it’s doing to people all around me. It pains me. So, you’re welcome to hang here if any of this has stirred something in you for that kind of more. All are welcome.

Calibrate 2022, Prepare for Your Year On Purpose

We’ve all probably been there at some point in life. We have good intentions, but lack follow-through. We want to move forward, but we don’t determine exactly what that means or how we’re going to do it. Been there? I sure have.

The thing is, when I make the time to define and plan where I’m headed I do move forward. Each time I actually practice this I’m so happy I did. So, when I look ahead to 2022 (and look back over all these past two years have been), I’m motivated to start strong. Could you use some help doing the same for the New Year?

I invite you to join me at Calibrate. It’s going to be a hopeful, encouraging, and fruitful day of setting ourselves up to live 2022 on purpose. I’ll coach you through a process that will help you intentionally take steps forward. Space is limited and early registration is open until 11/11/21 (you save $30 when you register by that date!). Come along!

The Questions We Get to Ask Series

If you have opted to receive my weekly newsletter, you’ve heard that I’ve been doing some evaluation and have decided that simple is my forward direction. Well, simple paired with thought-provoking questions. If you want to get in on that brief weekly email that will offer you the opportunity to think more deeply about your life, purpose, and personal transformation, please subscribe here.

Looking forward to connecting!

What's Grief Got to Do with It?

When I was eight years old, I experienced a profound trauma. It wasn’t until my very recent history, in 2019, that my memories resurfaced and I was able to re-associate as a much more whole person. Though I’d done a lot (and I mean, A LOT) of personal work over the years to heal and transform with the information I had at the time, this piece of understanding set me into the deepest place of healing, transformation, and forward momentum that I could have never, and I typed that correctly, never have imagined. In fact, my whole journey, before and after my moment of remembering, hasn’t been what I would have expected.

My process has involved what I’ve been calling pre-grieving. I didn’t know what happened to me, but with the trauma came openings and beliefs and agreements that shaped my life. As a result of those agreements, I found myself facing circumstances in both my personal and professional life over the years that left me asking, How did I end up here again?

In those seasons, I faced so many disappointments, heartbreaks, disillusionments, rejections, betrayals, and more. But over time, I began to notice patterns of what I was drawing to myself. The same situations, the same types of relationships, and me—I was there every.single.time—living the same experiences with different-but-the-same circumstances and people time and again.

Through this process, I learned a lot about grieving my losses. At times, I couldn’t understand why my grief was so deep when the situation didn’t seem to merit that kind of a response. But still, I grieved. I went with it. It was messy. Sometimes, it caused a stir. But my options truly felt like: grieve or stuff it, your choice. So, even in the times when I actually tried not to grieve, I still grieved. Painful as it was, it was worse not to move through the emotions. (Anyone else over all of that “stuffing it” stuff??)

During these seasons, I developed a lot of resilience as I took what I noticed, and what safe and loving friends pointed out, and started to make new decisions. I began noticing what I believed. I began dealing with what was underneath the symptoms! I began to understand some of the roots. And, even without knowing the root-of-the-roots, I was moving forward.

I began to deal with lies I believed about myself. I began to say “no” when I used to say “yes,” and “yes” when I used to say “no,” as well. I started to regularly see, like as clear as day, what I believed and why it mattered. I started to heal and transform. And, I started to see those openings close. No longer was I drawing so much of the same to myself. And, when I encountered that same old thing, I now dealt with it in healthier ways. It made such a difference! I gained great understanding around the power of my beliefs and my decisions. I began to change and my new way of being began to alter the landscape of my entire life.

When the day came that my memories resurfaced, I didn’t fall apart. That was quite unexpected. Both, the realization of what the root was (a specific trauma) and the reality that all of my grief through the years actually created a safe place for me to remember continued to spur me forward. My pre-grieving helped me not only to heal through the symptoms, but also to feel safe enough for the memories to resurface. I felt amazed as I began to understand how my process of healing had unfolded.

Don’t get me wrong. While I didn’t fall apart, I went into a new level of grief. This time, I was grieving the actual root. I was grieving the connections I was making, too. Connections like how I spent so many years wondering, Why is this still a part of my life? What is blocking me? Why can’t I seem to move forward for real in that area? And, I was grieving the ways I didn’t show up as my whole self in those 32 years of my life—in my family, in my most intimate relationships, in my vocational life, and as a human being. It has been a lot to move through, but it has also been the best season I’ve ever been in.

Everyone’s story with grief is so personal. I could share ways I’ve engaged in my process that have marked my path of grieving the root-of-roots these past couple of years, but the truth is, my path might not be yours. I will say this, though—grief is a necessary path into life.

We don’t really grieve well over here in America. It’s not a valued pilgrimage. On one hand, the cycle of grief is so abstract, varying from person to person, that it can be hard to get our minds or our arms around it. The idea we buy into that says we must somehow know it all means we tend to gravitate toward the more concrete, the more structured paths. But grief is messy and we don’t always understand it.

On the other hand, sometimes we watch people swallowed up in a life of grief and we think, “I’m never going there because I’ll never come out of it.” Those folks have never cycled through to the other side of grief, and it’s understandable that we might not want to go near it when we witness what being stuck in grief does to someone. But with these realities in mind, we’re still not off the hook. Rather, we must embrace the truth that it’s very important for us to we learn to grieve in health, embrace the mess of it, and how to truly move through it to the other side.

You might be wondering … What does trauma, grief, and a decision to move through it have to do with purpose? The understanding I’ve gained in these years is this: when there are realities in the background of our lives that are unchecked, unresolved, and unhealed, we won’t be freed up to live into the fullness of our purpose. When we’re weighed down or entangled by anything, by anything (!), we simply aren’t free to. Sure, we can make a difference and even leave a powerful legacy anyway, and many of us do; but what if there’s more for us? What if that stuff in the background keeps us from living the greatest expression of who we are made to be?

I’ve achieved a lot over these years. I’ve been grateful to make a difference. But I truly cannot wait for what’s ahead of me now. I truly cannot wait. These past couple years of reassociation and healing have marked me in a way I didn’t know I needed to be marked. I think it’s valuable to mention here how I didn’t seek this out. Even though I wanted to at times, I wasn’t actually regularly digging around in my life trying to find the root. Instead, I was living my life and open to the process of continuous transformation. I got in touch with my agreements, I asked for input, I made new decisions, I practiced them, and I kept moving forward. And over time, this is what unfolded … I found myself in a season that has set me into the greatest clarity, hope, freedom, and authority I’ve ever experienced. And it’s just a beginning.

Imagine that, at 42 years of age, this is JUST the beginning.

I’m on the path into living my best story these days. And it’s truly the most exciting time of my life. In fact, it’s why I share this piece of my story with you today—so you, too, can consider your own story.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t make space to share more about the flip side of grief soon—the side where folks get stuck in it and what I’ve noticed there. But for now …

Is there anything in your life you’ve been unwilling to grieve?

Maybe you’re not really aware that you need to grieve. Maybe it’s time to look at your beliefs and agreements to see where they’ve led you and why that is. If you’d like help moving forward, please check out my online course, Breakthrough Beliefs. It’s a great resource where I walk you through a practical process to help you check-in on yourself.

Whatever your story, I hope you know that you can move forward. You can make new decisions. You can grieve your losses. And, you can position yourself to live your very best story in the here and now, and in the years to come. It’s a powerful process and I’m so honored to be in it with you.

Closing the Openings

We’ve all probably heard or spoken the phrase, “Tie up loose ends.” When you think about the loose ends in your life right now, what comes to mind? What’s open?

Consider further, which openings are most at the forefront of your mind; which are more at a distance? When you think of those you’re most aware of, how would you categorize them? Spiritual, mental, emotional, behavioral, circumstantial, and/or relational? Are they present realities or things from your personal history?

Loose ends have this way of slowing us down and even keeping us stuck. When we think about living our best stories, our ongoing decision to tie up the loose ends in our lives serves us profoundly. Think for a second if everything on your to-do list alone was handled. How would you feel? What would you do next?

I talked recently with a friend who’s had a major work commitment these past few months. Above and beyond are words to describe what was needed and how she showed up. Now that the season has passed, she told me she’s recognizing how much time she has to get back to other valuable activities. That’s a great feeling, isn’t it? To have margin again? To find that your energy can be repurposed in directions that bring you life?

When I talk about closing the openings in our lives, this is exactly the opportunity we can step into by choice. But at times, we really don’t have an awareness of the openings that might be affecting us most—those that are often in the background of our lives. The openings I’m talking about are the beliefs we hold about ourselves, others, and the world around us. When these beliefs are out of alignment with truth, they steal so much from us.

Think about it … Every single time you buy into a lie in your life, you create another opening—another loose end because lies have this way of keeping us spinning, unable to find solid ground. The more we live with that lie as the truth, the greater the opening grows as it strips health, energy and capacity, hope, love, goodness, and yes, even time, away from you and me. If we take this metaphor further, consider that every lie you’ve ever believed that hasn’t been dealt with is leaving you bare and exposed. Every single day. What a picture.

These experiences show up in our lives looking like anxiety, exhaustion, fear, control, overwhelm, addiction, anger, workaholism, co-dependency, and so much more. We cover up the root with symptoms/behaviors that ultimately cause us a lot of heartache. I don’t really believe that any one of us mean to get entangled, to be entrapped, by heavy things like lies. But over time, these lies that are masking themselves as truth weigh us down. And these openings will continue to grow and mess with us in greater ways until they’re closed.

What would your life look like if you could close these types of openings? If you could tie up these loose ends? I for one know, from personal experience, that we’d all be like my friend after a full season of work, taking a deep breath, amazed by the amount of newfound margin we’ve gained. When we choose to deal with the beliefs that are harmful in our lives, we heal for real. When we heal for real, we each set ourselves into a position to more fully live our purpose. To me, this is some of the greatest motivation to keep doing the work in my own life. A bonus? As we close these openings, we literally stop drawing the same types of circumstances and people to us because, we’re no longer open to them. More on that soon, but let that sit with you for a while.

Ready to take some new steps forward to look at your beliefs and tie up some loose ends? I will show you how. It’s a practical, eye-opening, encouraging process. Get registered for Breakthrough Beliefs and on March 23, 2021 you will begin the personal journey to close those openings! Which hey, gives you a few weeks to tie up any scheduling loose ends so you’ll be ready to start! Win-win! :)

P.S. If you pre-register for the course by March 19, 2021, you’ll also be able to pre-register for my new course, A Practice in Boundaries (launching in late April) for half off! Two courses with practical coaching for actual life application—so much GOOD personal development ahead! Join me!

Who has your ear?

What questions have you been asking in your life lately? Have any of those related to the people or narratives you’re listening to in your life? We’ve spent the past few weeks in dialogue around the idea of and our beliefs about success. The older I get and the more I move forward, the greater weight I’ve assigned to the decisions I’m making regarding whom or what I listen to these days. I share much more about it in this recent video segment. In the meantime, here are the questions I’m inviting all of us to consider as we continue to move forward in 2021. I encourage you to set aside a good chunk of time to read through and respond to each this coming week or so.

• Who has your ear? (aka Who are you listening to?) Why?

• Who doesn’t have your ear? Why?

• How do you decide who you listen to?

• How do they help?

• Are they causing harm?

• Do they tell you the truth about themselves (both the good and the bad)?

• Do they tell you the truth about you? If so, are you willing to hear and take in what they’re sharing? Are you willing to do something about what you learn?

• What are their ideas about success?

• Are you in alignment with what their idea(s) of success is in this life? Do they align with who you are, where you’re going, what you want to be true about you?

• What are their strengths and weaknesses? Are you allowed to see/know both their strengths and weaknesses (or do they hide them from you)?

• If you’re allowed to know their strengths and weaknesses, are you operating in light of those? Or, do you view them as “all good” or “all bad”? Do you allow yourself to live in the tension between what’s good and what’s bad about them?

• Do their beliefs, thoughts, words, actions, and motives align with who they say they are? PLEASE NOTE: motives are tricky to discern because we’re often unaware of our own motives, let alone the motives of others. So we must be careful and operate in humility with one another in this capacity. But I do mention motives because they are the ultimate truth-tellers. I share more about this in the video. Motives will eventually come to light. They cannot remain hidden forever, but we must not be quick to judge.

• Do they, through what they share and practice, help me? Are they practicing becoming better in their own lives? Do the beliefs and narratives they’re offering equal genuine help, transformation, etc?

It matters who you listen to and why you listen to them. When it comes to being successful in this life, those who have your ear have a substantial influence that truly affects you. Today is a great day to take inventory and make decisions about who will continue to influence you from here on out. And hey, if you want to take this even deeper, ask these questions about yourself—are you and I people who are worthy of having influence, having the ear, of others?

Are You Making it Happen?

Have you said or heard someone else say, “Make it happen!” When you said or heard that, have you noticed what rises up inside of you? Do you feel motivated, stressed, excited, overwhelmed, uncertain? Do you feel energized or do you shutdown?

My most memorable experiences with that phrase or similar phrasing takes me back to working with quite a few leaders over the years who’ve operated with consistently high expectations. Making it happen was their way of being. Ever meet someone like that? Ever work for, or with, someone like that? Live with someone like that?

The beauty of these folks is they have a tendency to get a whole lot done in their lives and in the world. They see blocks as opportunities to breakthrough and truly live with the expectation that it, whatever it is, can and will be done. They push us beyond our own personal limitations to accomplish and achieve more than we might think is possible. Those who are greatest at making it happen in a healthy way have a tendency to light fires inside of others—the kind of fires that cultivate momentum and keep us breaking through obstacles long after they are gone. It can be a remarkable experience to be with someone who is like this and lives it well. And the truth is, we need these folks more than we know.

But like anything that’s really good, it can also be really, really bad. I’ve experienced some of these same leaders expect that everyone must and will rise to a standard they’ve set when the truth is, either the people didn’t care to or it wasn’t really in them to get there for a variety of reasons. The “make it happen” mentality and the constant stress that can be associated with it can take a massive toll on someone’s well-being. A friend recently shared how “you can’t sprint all of the time” as we talked about some realities they’ve been facing. I thought the metaphor was spot-on.

We are not made to make it happen all of the time, and when there is an expectation that we can, the consequences are often a depletion of energy and motivation. Powerful momentum can be lost when a culture is founded upon a “make it happen mentality.” Especially when resources aren’t properly allotted with respect to the person and their role, goals aren’t crystal clear and measurable, and when there’s a lack of understanding of why we must make it happen. Attaching meaning is so valuable as making something happen for the sake of making it happen doesn’t exactly inspire or motivate. (Try to say that 10-times fast!) And, what if there’s no real accountability if the thing we’re supposed to make happen doesn’t happen? You can forget it ever feeling like it matters for real.

How in the world does this apply to your life and my life today? I think whether we’re aware of it or not, we hear this type of messaging all of the time. It might be more direct in our vocational lives but it could be that we simply hear it or see it out in our social communities and society at large. We could be watching others around us who are “making it happen” and comparing ourselves. Maybe we think less of ourselves because we don’t make things happen like someone else we know. Maybe we think more of ourselves because we’re the ones making it all happen. Some of us might need a fire lit up inside of us because we’re not really moving forward in a meaningful way and it’s truly time to make some stuff happen. Some of us might need to lay off making stuff happen because we’re too closely identifying our worth and value by what we do (or what we think we’re not doing).

What’s meaningful for you to make happen in your life right now? Why? What does it mean if you make that thing happen? What would it mean if you didn’t?

I’ve been noticing my own propensity lately to do a lot of tasks. If you could see the number of browser windows open on my system in this moment, you might be like, “Jessica, slow your roll.” Each window represents a task I’m working on or about to start. Honestly, it’s kind-of overwhelming. I realized late yesterday or early today that I’ve been accomplishing a whole lot lately, but I haven’t made the time to sit back and look at the bigger picture. As a result, I’ve gotten so caught up and even lost in the details that I’ve been ending my days knowing I’ve worked hard, but the past 20 or so have felt like a complete blur. I think an aspect of this is pandemic-life experience and I don’t think I’m alone in this experience at this point in our collective journey. That said, I do believe I have the opportunity to evaluate what exactly I’m “making happen” to ensure that the meaning attached, the level of priority on the task list, and the scheduling of those tasks and resources to accomplish them better reflect my why and my where from here on out. (As in, where I’m headed and this helps me get there because …)

So if you need an excuse to pause today, to step back and look at the whole forest instead of seeing the finer details of the bark on the trees in front of your face (as I did), pause. Make the time. Allow the meaningful fires to be lit inside of you, not under you. Allow the pressure applied to be the kind of pressure that produces what is most valuable. And mix as many metaphors as you’d like. I’ve clearly taken liberty today in that regard. Ha.

If I could sum up the above in a long sentence it’d be this: know what you’re making happen and why you’re making it happen and where it’s going to lead you so you can build and inspire and gain powerful momentum to do what only you can do right here and right now. I’ll be doing the same over here. If you need help sorting out where you’re headed and why that matters, I’m here. Send me a message and we’ll get together for a complimentary coaching consultation. I’d be honored to help you!

Are You Awake in Your Life?

When was the last time you felt awake, truly awake, in your life? What was happening? What was it about the experience that revived you, helped you to notice your awake-ness? Did the experience last?

As we talked about last week, I believe success is something very personal for each of us. At times, we might get wrapped up in ideas about success that come from a perspective that’s prolific around us in society or culture, work environments, and maybe even in our friend groups or families. We receive messages about what it means to be “successful” each and every day.

Do you notice the messages you hear? Do you resonate with any part of them, or buy into them wholeheartedly? Do you ever question if the messages you notice and hear are legitimate or not?

I shared about my experience recently with quite a number of business coaches reaching out to me and how each conversation rather quickly turned toward them desiring to know my company’s revenue goals. And you can probably tell from the now two-week mention of these conversations that they’ve hit a nerve with me. Really, it’s because money isn’t my end goal because the truth is that money comes and goes. And, it goes and it comes. It’s a tool and if my ultimate measurement of success in life was dependent on money, how would I be doing if it wasn’t going so well? How would I be doing if it was going very well? The same is true for status, the way we think others perceive us, or the title(s) we carry, or the degrees or certifications on our resumes. It could just as easily be something else like being needed or making ourselves indispensable. What happens when we’re not? What happens when someone else has more credentials or moves more projects forward than we do? How does any of this contribute to you and me living awake in our lives?

So I ask again … When was the last time you felt fully awake in your life? What was it actually tied to? Can you define it?

The past two weeks, I spent a ton of time investing in relationships, I listened a lot, I delivered my new book to some folks personally and was giddy as I put others in the mail, I shared meals, I shared my heart, I watched movies, I had deep conversations, I got out into the beauty of the outdoors, I helped one client complete a strategic process plan to implement their newly clarified vision, mission, and purpose (SO stinkin’ fun!!!), I collaborated on a spiritual retreat I’m co-creating, I rested, I drove and noticed my surroundings, I wrote lists of things that are on my mind lately, I ate good food, I drank allll of the coffee (and the water!), I ran errands, I noticed where I’m feeling stressed, I completed year-end work for a b-to-b client, I prayed and read life-changing scriptures, I had a number of conversations about new steps I’m taking and established partnerships in those directions, I remembered what life was a year ago and felt incredibly thankful for the season I’m in now and how I’ve grown forward, and I saw a place in my life where my heart feels lighter and softer. And you know what? I feel awake in my life right now.

I share all of this because each piece of the above is filled with meaning for me about how I’m growing and being brave and trying and showing up and being myself and enjoying the variety that is my life right now. I’m finding more and more how committed I am to this process I’m in and to the One who is graciously leading me in it and through it all. And I’m not doing it to prove myself to anyone else anymore (Whoa.). I’m doing it because I really do love it. It’s so beautiful because there’s a lot of layers in it for me about overcoming and vulnerability and risk. There are so many parts of life that feel uncomfortable right now but I am smiling at them. I’m living my life, building dreams, and helping others. These are the things of legacy, the things that last. It is an amazing and ordinary, challenging and uplifting, unclear and clarifying time. And I love it. I’m so, so, so awake. And I feel successful and revived even in moments where the path forward is hazy. I know it’s because I’m succeeding at things that last, things that matter to me. And that’s made all the difference.

What about you?

What Now?

Who has your ear these days? What are they saying to you or about you? During Forward Friday this past week, I shared about the regular communications I receive from business coaches who reach out to see how my business is going. They all tend to ask the same, if not the exact same, questions. Some listen to what I share in response and honestly, some don’t. Each time I engage in a conversation like this, I leave with a sense that each person has some idea of what they think success would be for me. Sure, they’re asking about my goals for the next six months, but it always feels tied to an outcome they’re pursuing.

In the midst of considering my engagement with these folks, the start of the New Year, and all that has transpired in the last year, I’ve been asking this question: What now? My thoughts have turned to what success means to me for the season ahead. While these coaches tend to focus on numbers of followers and dollars, I’m actually thinking much, much more about who I’m becoming, how I’m growing, and how the process of innovation, creativity, and personal work I’m living in at the moment is leading me somewhere. I’m genuinely hopeful about that somewhere because I know I’m preparing well to live there right now and I know I’ll be able to help those I work with so much better because of my focus right now.

Trust me when I say that I get why people in our lives, or professionals like these business coaches reaching out to me, are really just trying to be helpful when it comes to our success. I honor their initiative and the reality that they, too, are running a business that requires clients to keep the proverbial (and actual) lights on. But if you and I don’t know what success means to us, we can easily get carried away into something we were never intended to engage (like making X amount of money because somehow that proves to us that we’re a success).

For me, connection and consistency are high values. I don’t need to coach a ton of people or bring in massive dollars to succeed at connection and consistency. More money or more followers doesn’t necessarily measure the kind of impact I’m going after. Numbers tell an important story and we have good reason to be attuned to reality there. But if I’m basing my idea of success on numbers, what happens when they’re not adding up the “right” ways? What does that mean to me? What does that say about me? Who will I be if they’re not what I think they should be? Do I “hustle” until they are? To what end?

Not too long ago, I received a referral from a client I only saw a few times. I enjoyed my sessions with the client but hadn’t heard from them since our last meeting. Because of that referral, I learned that my client had experienced a tremendous breakthrough as a result of our sessions. I honestly had no idea. It was a true gift to learn that, though. It brought me joy. I felt successful because I’d helped a client move forward. I didn’t need that client to come back to me for 10 sessions when they got what they needed in a few. I needed to help them and set them loose back into the world with newfound hope and freedom. And it was awesome to know the work they did in session, and out, got them there.

Knowing what success means to us ensures that we stay the course and don’t get sidetracked by other people’s opinions or a standard the world sets out for us to meet. In a society that, as my friend expressed recently, seems to require us to turn all hobbies into money-making endeavors and feels like it makes everything about creating side-hustles to make a buck, what if we turned that perspective on its head simply by knowing who we are and what we’re about. We get to make the contribution we’re meant to make without striving for an outcome that, in the end, might not be right for us. It’s hard to get derailed into someone else’s idea of success when we’re clear on what success is for us.

So when it comes to you being successful in the season to come, I ask: What now? What’s on your mind for who you’re becoming, how you’re investing and helping, and what it looks like to practically live that out in real life? I encourage you to define it. Make goals from there, from that place of understanding and focus. I believe if you and I do this consistently, it will take us deeper and further in this life. And I think we’ll really enjoy our lives.

Keep me posted on your progress. I’d love to know what you uncover as you discover and dream. I’ll keep you posted on my progress, too.