When I was eight years old, I experienced a profound trauma. It wasn’t until my very recent history, in 2019, that my memories resurfaced and I was able to re-associate as a much more whole person. Though I’d done a lot (and I mean, A LOT) of personal work over the years to heal and transform with the information I had at the time, this piece of understanding set me into the deepest place of healing, transformation, and forward momentum that I could have never, and I typed that correctly, never have imagined. In fact, my whole journey, before and after my moment of remembering, hasn’t been what I would have expected.
My process has involved what I’ve been calling pre-grieving. I didn’t know what happened to me, but with the trauma came openings and beliefs and agreements that shaped my life. As a result of those agreements, I found myself facing circumstances in both my personal and professional life over the years that left me asking, How did I end up here again?
In those seasons, I faced so many disappointments, heartbreaks, disillusionments, rejections, betrayals, and more. But over time, I began to notice patterns of what I was drawing to myself. The same situations, the same types of relationships, and me—I was there every.single.time—living the same experiences with different-but-the-same circumstances and people time and again.
Through this process, I learned a lot about grieving my losses. At times, I couldn’t understand why my grief was so deep when the situation didn’t seem to merit that kind of a response. But still, I grieved. I went with it. It was messy. Sometimes, it caused a stir. But my options truly felt like: grieve or stuff it, your choice. So, even in the times when I actually tried not to grieve, I still grieved. Painful as it was, it was worse not to move through the emotions. (Anyone else over all of that “stuffing it” stuff??)
During these seasons, I developed a lot of resilience as I took what I noticed, and what safe and loving friends pointed out, and started to make new decisions. I began noticing what I believed. I began dealing with what was underneath the symptoms! I began to understand some of the roots. And, even without knowing the root-of-the-roots, I was moving forward.
I began to deal with lies I believed about myself. I began to say “no” when I used to say “yes,” and “yes” when I used to say “no,” as well. I started to regularly see, like as clear as day, what I believed and why it mattered. I started to heal and transform. And, I started to see those openings close. No longer was I drawing so much of the same to myself. And, when I encountered that same old thing, I now dealt with it in healthier ways. It made such a difference! I gained great understanding around the power of my beliefs and my decisions. I began to change and my new way of being began to alter the landscape of my entire life.
When the day came that my memories resurfaced, I didn’t fall apart. That was quite unexpected. Both, the realization of what the root was (a specific trauma) and the reality that all of my grief through the years actually created a safe place for me to remember continued to spur me forward. My pre-grieving helped me not only to heal through the symptoms, but also to feel safe enough for the memories to resurface. I felt amazed as I began to understand how my process of healing had unfolded.
Don’t get me wrong. While I didn’t fall apart, I went into a new level of grief. This time, I was grieving the actual root. I was grieving the connections I was making, too. Connections like how I spent so many years wondering, Why is this still a part of my life? What is blocking me? Why can’t I seem to move forward for real in that area? And, I was grieving the ways I didn’t show up as my whole self in those 32 years of my life—in my family, in my most intimate relationships, in my vocational life, and as a human being. It has been a lot to move through, but it has also been the best season I’ve ever been in.
Everyone’s story with grief is so personal. I could share ways I’ve engaged in my process that have marked my path of grieving the root-of-roots these past couple of years, but the truth is, my path might not be yours. I will say this, though—grief is a necessary path into life.
We don’t really grieve well over here in America. It’s not a valued pilgrimage. On one hand, the cycle of grief is so abstract, varying from person to person, that it can be hard to get our minds or our arms around it. The idea we buy into that says we must somehow know it all means we tend to gravitate toward the more concrete, the more structured paths. But grief is messy and we don’t always understand it.
On the other hand, sometimes we watch people swallowed up in a life of grief and we think, “I’m never going there because I’ll never come out of it.” Those folks have never cycled through to the other side of grief, and it’s understandable that we might not want to go near it when we witness what being stuck in grief does to someone. But with these realities in mind, we’re still not off the hook. Rather, we must embrace the truth that it’s very important for us to we learn to grieve in health, embrace the mess of it, and how to truly move through it to the other side.
You might be wondering … What does trauma, grief, and a decision to move through it have to do with purpose? The understanding I’ve gained in these years is this: when there are realities in the background of our lives that are unchecked, unresolved, and unhealed, we won’t be freed up to live into the fullness of our purpose. When we’re weighed down or entangled by anything, by anything (!), we simply aren’t free to. Sure, we can make a difference and even leave a powerful legacy anyway, and many of us do; but what if there’s more for us? What if that stuff in the background keeps us from living the greatest expression of who we are made to be?
I’ve achieved a lot over these years. I’ve been grateful to make a difference. But I truly cannot wait for what’s ahead of me now. I truly cannot wait. These past couple years of reassociation and healing have marked me in a way I didn’t know I needed to be marked. I think it’s valuable to mention here how I didn’t seek this out. Even though I wanted to at times, I wasn’t actually regularly digging around in my life trying to find the root. Instead, I was living my life and open to the process of continuous transformation. I got in touch with my agreements, I asked for input, I made new decisions, I practiced them, and I kept moving forward. And over time, this is what unfolded … I found myself in a season that has set me into the greatest clarity, hope, freedom, and authority I’ve ever experienced. And it’s just a beginning.
Imagine that, at 42 years of age, this is JUST the beginning.
I’m on the path into living my best story these days. And it’s truly the most exciting time of my life. In fact, it’s why I share this piece of my story with you today—so you, too, can consider your own story.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t make space to share more about the flip side of grief soon—the side where folks get stuck in it and what I’ve noticed there. But for now …
Is there anything in your life you’ve been unwilling to grieve?
Maybe you’re not really aware that you need to grieve. Maybe it’s time to look at your beliefs and agreements to see where they’ve led you and why that is. If you’d like help moving forward, please check out my online course, Breakthrough Beliefs. It’s a great resource where I walk you through a practical process to help you check-in on yourself.
Whatever your story, I hope you know that you can move forward. You can make new decisions. You can grieve your losses. And, you can position yourself to live your very best story in the here and now, and in the years to come. It’s a powerful process and I’m so honored to be in it with you.