2020 has been a year unlike any other. Perhaps that’s the understatement of understatements. There has been so much sharing and shouting, loss and grieving, canceling and separating, and uncertainty and waiting. I took time during my weekly Instagram Live to provide four steps to move through exhaustion right now because the more I listen and interact, and the more I live my own story in this season, “exhausted” is something I’m hearing and feeling a lot—can you relate?
In a time of so much upheaval, I’m concerned we are seeing further division because we just might not be listening to each other—and what I mean is, listening for real. The kind of listening that results in being heard and understood. The kind of listening that leads to connection, even when what’s understood is that we still have differences of experience and perspective at the end of the day. The kind of listening that leads us into solutions because we have chosen to care to hear and in that sharing, taking turns—one to another, we might find a way forward.
So much these days, I find us debating instead of engaging in discourse. Who has the better stats and talking points and data and so on. Who’s right and who’s wrong? Who’s good and who’s evil? We’re great at debate in America. You can say something and I can say something right back without ever hearing what you said, really. I can make assumptions about what you mean and not leave room for the possibility that I might actually understand something newly if I was truly willing to hear you and see you. Debate makes for awesome media coverage, though. It’s packed with drama and “he said/she said” and keep us coming back to see the same mess over and over again.
Gosh, that cycle is deeply exhausting. How does it affect you? As I continue to learn and grow in these times, I am committed to seeing us create a better path forward, one where we go together.
Years ago, I went through a very challenging season with someone I worked with who was also a friend. At one point we hit an impasse relationally and as life moved onward, unfortunately, we didn’t choose to believe the best about each other. So much was wrapped up in assumptions and lack of communication and misunderstandings. And one day, everything hit the proverbial fan. It was delightful. Wish you could have been there. ;)
The story goes that one day my friend made a decision at work that undermined the direction for a project I was overseeing. Because of the project’s deadline, I had no choice but to call them directly to address the offense. You might wonder, why was it a big deal to call them? Great question … See, there was a third player involved who was in a position of both friendship and professional authority in both our lives. That person had instructed each of us separately to not deal directly with the other, to “take a break” I think is how it was “suggested” and so we did.
Back on the phone, we had moved through a few very tense minutes working through the current offense when they said, “Well, that’s not REALLY what this is all about anyway! …”
What could they mean? I was so confused. I pressed for more detail and they went on to share how, around the same time of the “take a break” dialogue, that same person in authority had disclosed a very specific and personal detail about me that shaped the way my friend viewed every interaction from that point on.
This disclosure prompted one of my own as that same authority figure had done the same thing with me, sharing a very specific and personal detail about my friend that was used as a reason for the “break”. As soon as I shared, we both sat in silence on our respective ends of the phone line. All of the tension evaporated as light shone in. We gained perspective on how we’d both been duped into division.
We each viewed the other as the problem, the one with the issue. (Key: we were both the issue!) We were set up and fell for it. Control is a nasty master. Instead of pulling us into a room together, instead of offering to mediate a conversation to clear up the ongoing frustrations and help us to reconcile our differences, our mutual friend used the trust established through our personal relationships and their professional authority to cultivate a deeper divide by separating us. Communication was cut off, misunderstandings were deepened, and nothing moved forward in health. And maybe in their own way they really were trying to help, but the truth is that the gossip, the slander, and the separation made everything worse not better. And for the record, it never-ever makes anything better.
I’ve learned some pretty critical lessons in my time, but this one lands in my top three. When my friend and I started into that messy conversation, we had no idea what we were about to uncover—we weren’t even looking for it. But boy am I thankful I chose to make that call. Boy am I thankful we both were willing to sit in the tension and speak our minds. And, boy am I thankful for the way the truth came to light.
So today:
What does it look like to be willing to go for the root, to get to the bottom, of what’s really going on?
What practical steps can we take to listen to understand, to come together in discourse, not debate?
How might we choose to look for and identify our common ground?
Where are we currently being duped into division?
How can we bridge the gap?
This I know to be true: We can build upon common ground. Healing will come. Hope will pour in. Transformation will happen. We just have to be willing to see each other again. To listen for real. To everybody. Perhaps especially those we currently laugh at, ignore, mock, completely disagree with, dishonor, feel dishonored by, cancel, fill in the blank.
It starts with me. It starts with you. Together, let us no longer be duped into division.
Hope and peace, my friends.